(RIGHT CLICK ME-> Open new tab for music during your read)
Ray of light peeks through the trees.
Teasing you with kisses of sunlight.
Trees don't look normal here; moss covered branches, deep green colored leaves wet from the clouds tears.
Each step taken is welcomed by the soft terrain and by the trees blossomed flowers and leaves.
There is no sound other than the cracking of water, the chirping of distant birds, the occasional songs of the wind passing through and then there is the heavy deep breath coming from my lungs.
I'm in my own world- there is no one around me.
I lean on a rock and look around me.
The idea of sitting here forever has crossed my mind.
Time has stopped.
Nothing matters.
There is a mist in the air cooling my cold sweat dripping down my chest as I watch my breath come in and holding back from tears going out.
I don't want to go further, but I don't want to go back.
My body feels strong- possibly the strongest it's ever felt but I am unable to move my feet.
I focus on my breathing, trying to not think of possible failure and consider hope.
My breath is uneasy, it breaths in the cold mist from a nearby waterfall but am unable to breath out.. a dry taste in my mouth from forcing the tears back.
Focus.
I take a step, then another and continue on forward. I'm too close.
I think of the 52 miles that have gotten me to this spot, this exact moment and I promise to myself I am never doing this again. Nothing of the sort. I'm giving up.
Despite this beauty, despite the happiness it once brought me.
Nothing can equate to the pain that I was feeling at that moment.
A memory jolts me back to reality...
It's 2am and I'm laying in bed at the Troutdale motel 6.
Sleep resides on my eyelids as I push the covers away and sit up.
30 minutes before the alarm would sings it's tune here I am awake.
I start my prep, one that I am definitely not accustomed to but a prep of what I know for any sort of race.
How does one prep to run 62 miles?
Feeling like a baby learning how to walk... it's all from experience.
This, Gorge 100k will be my second 100k and my overall 4th Ultra or 5th if you consider an attempt.
I'm fresh to races in general and am learning what works for me as a runner, and what doesn't.
I pack what I think I may possibly need in two different drop bags.
Normally just extra nutrition. Cliff bars, shot blocks, almond butter, peanuts- all things I've trained with successfully.
Once Carlos is up things are somewhat turned into reality.
C-Los!
When I think of Carlos, I think of my first ultra, Leona Divide 50mi, and I remember as one of my coaches he was always an inspiration.
Even when I had food poising three days before the race- I could here his voice saying that I can overcome this and still race!
Those were the days.
I call my dad from the car en route to the race and wake him up. He gives me some words of encouragement and I send him back to his slumber.
This doesn't feel real. How am I in Portland?
I look outside and I see dark trees pass and pass quickly- nothing but trees.
Walking around the starting line I feel like a fish out of water. I see all these fellow runners but don't actually feel like one of them .
They all have their stuff together, stretching, talking amongst each other and I feel the uneasiness of my stomach.
4:04 am and the race begins.
I feel as though I'm watching all the runners pass from above but not actually participating. Brights colors and flashes of lights pass through the park. Sounds of feet hitting the gravel.
I hear people chatting in the distance but unable to focus on anything other than where my foot will step next.
That uneasiness in my stomach on growing with each minute that passes.
After the first mile we start our first climb. Still on cement. I can't help but to look up, with my light shining I can see the mist and in the distance I see a line of trickling lights all moving in the same direction, tall ones short ones all in line moving upward.
Time ticks on... very slowly.
It's still dark. It's raining ever so lightly.
My stomach is still churning.
The idea of throwing up or going to the bathroom crossed my mind.
Maybe I'll feel better.
But in a line of other runners and I'm unable to move to the side without falling down the mountain.
There is no other direction to go but forward.
I find myself unable to concentrate. I'm 5 miles in and I'm already not enjoying myself.
I scold myself for having a few too many beers and eating poorly at McMenamins the day before.
Anything would've provoked this.
Nobody to blame but myself.
Entering the first aid station No name around mile 6 I decide to continue instead of releasing whatever uneasiness it was sitting in my stomach.
Just keep going was my thought.
Poor decision making on my part- surprise surprise.
The farther I go, the slower my steps are, the longer time feels to go on and the worse my stomach starts to feel.
I pass by the 2nd aid and instantly see Jc, Melissa's fiance.
He asks me how I am and I quickly respond with something along the lines of not good and stomach issues.
I realize those are the first words I've spoken since the race begun.
I quickly pass through that aid station as well, afraid that someone else will ask me a question and I will have to speak again.
About 13 miles down.
I continue onward.
I attempt to make conversation with a woman I was running next to the last mile. We talked for a bit and continued on our own path forward.
About two miles later I'm drenched in a cold sweat.
Beads dropping down my face as I watch them hit the floor- I'm moving that slow.
My hands are around my stomach and I'm hunched over.
I feel the sour saliva in my mouth. Super sexy.
The single track turns into an open area. Hope.
I've got to find a spot to go to the bathroom.
You can say what you want. We all do it. But at this point I may explode.
It won't be a pretty sight.
And it doesn't help that I'm wearing lime green shorts. (insert shocked emoji face here)
At this point I've gone to the bathroom three times. My stomach still not at ease and definitely will re consider my food choices before a race next time.
I catch up to the group I've lost and start to feel slightly better.
Coming into mile 22 Cascade Locks aid station I see JC and I feel instantly so relieved to see a friendly face.
I'm feeling reborn. My stomach back to normal my spirits high.
I initially wanted to race this course. Run my little heart out.
I've settle to just completing it. Have fun, Sawna!
Enjoy yourself.
Take in the surroundings.
The beauty.
After Cascade locks- my body felt warmed up. My feet no longer hurt.
I eased in to a good pace, a solid easy run and was able to continue forward passing several runners that had passed me earlier in the day.
I'm running and am feeling great.
I speed into Wyeth and quickly drink a cup of coke while a angel of a volunteers shocks me with my drop bag asking me if I needed anything from it.
I word vomited something along the lines that he was an angel face and that I was so thankful for his help. Angel!
I grab my cliff bar and quickly set back out on the course.
Feeling great- I didn't want to lose what I was feeling.
This is it. This feeling- it's why I continue this craziness of running. It's an amazing feeling.
I continue onward. Running every step, a slow run but still running.
At some point I hear steps behind me.
A mile in I decide to make conversation.
Josh- I'm talking about YOU! (May have stolen some of your pictures).
We were able to run consistently to the next aid station at mile 40.
At that point I didn't wait- Grabbed another cup of coke my cliff bar and off I went.
Somehow only taking under a minute at each aid station.
GET 'ER DONE is all I can think about.
I continue forward- in an absolute runners high I stop to take a few pictures of the incredible beauty surrounding me. Breath taking views of trees as tall as I can see, green moss carpet covered rocks.
The next aid station didn't seem as close as my feet started to feel the pain from the rocks returning.
These rocks are sharpened knifes waiting to strike at any moment.
With my right plantar still having issues- every step was shooting pain causing my right foot to lose feeling.
I catch up to this girl and what seems like her pacer and I run behind them for a minute or two. I notice this guy running in place as the poor girl is hiking up, very slowly, as if in low spirits as he is talking endlessly and very loudly. My goal- to pass them and get far far away before I punch the guy. As we are climbing I decide to just go for it as he is still running in place. I'm pretty sure I gave him the look of death. I feel pretty bad for that girl- definitely wouldn't want him to be my pacer.
I watched my watch with every mile passing. 49 couldn't come any faster- and when I reached 49 and I knew I still had a mile till the aid station, my spirits were quickly diminishing.
Running into the aid station I tried waving to the camera as I knew my dad had spent all morning watching Ultra TV's live race. I didn't see JC or Carlos at the aid station and I almost panicked. They were bringing me more nutrition as I didn't have a drop bag there.
I grab a few Pb&J's and hoped for the best. Running out of the aid station I see them in the distance getting out of their car.
My hands fly up with sudden relief. I'm in pain.
My feet hurt. My spirits are low.
But having the proper nutrition- I'm at least slightly comforted about that.
The next two miles is mostly flat road.
EXCITING.
Not.
After eating those PB&J's I feel almost instantly sick to my stomach and feel like it essentially went right through me.
I ended up running until I could barely run/walk looking for the nearest bush to release whatever this is that is making me ill.
It never happened. I continued forward. Onward into the hurt locker.
I leap frog with a girl and end up passing her afraid that I may be sick infront of her. This is where all things went sour.
Full circle back to where I began my story.
Focus.
I take a step, then another and continue on forward. I'm too close.
I think of the 52 miles that have gotten me to this spot, this exact moment and I promise to myself I am never doing this again. Nothing of the sort. I'm giving up.
Despite this beauty, despite the happiness it once brought me.
Nothing can equate to the pain that I was feeling at that moment.
A memory jolts me back to reality...
A memory I choose to forget, black out if you must say.
A race I attempted back in August- one that I gave up on.
One that broke my body down.
This, today's race, can never equal the amount of pain that I was in during the 24 hour span.
Today's excuses will never equal to what had happened that day.
I will not give up the way I did during that race.
I realize at that moment- my breath starts to normalize.
My step quickens and my walk turns into a run. Mind you, a slow run but running it was!
Realizing at that time, the pain I was complaining about had suddenly disappeared.
I decided in that moment that I have one DNF. Only one and as long as it doesn't get to how I was during that specific race- I have no reason to shut my body down again.
I will not give in.
I will not give up.
No matter what- I was going to finish. Coming this far I will not let a little mental block break me down.
If I walk or if I run- nothing will stop me.
It is up to me whether it will take me an hour and a half... or three hours to finish.
How long do I want to continue?
My answer- the faster the better. SO I RAN!
I continued running forward and continued running up.
Thinking how close I was to finishing I giggled to myself. I've ran so far without falling- this has to be a record for me.
My buddie Vince has always said that I'm only allowed to fall once.
He's experienced my clumsiness.
Remembering what my friend and ganbatte crossfit coach JP would tell me... my form.
When I get lazy and tired my form goes out the door.
I instantly correct my posture, my hands turn properly and are lowered and I lift my feet a bit higher.
At that point Josh finally caught up to me, boy is that guy strong!
Apparently we both struggled at the same time.
So we ran together. Hiked the last incline and continued onward.
With my endorphins kicking and my spirits finally back at its height.
We continued to chat and even stopped at a few creeks and drank the cold refreshing water.
I continued to run and when there was a decent. I sprinted.
There was about a mile of decent that was our first climb in the beginning of the race that was all gravel.
I sprinted. Ran by several different people and one one of the hairpins I completely slipped and SLID.
Like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel.
But with the forward movement I picked myself up and continued.
Continued onto the finish line where Carlos arrived maybe seconds before.
Upon your finish your instantly greeted with a high five by the race director.
As well as greeted with several kegs of beer and fresh made pizza to order. This beats any race medal and finishers top I've ever received.
My kind of party!
I've instantly forgotten the 13 hours of pain that I endured.
But remember the close knit community that share this intense pursit of happiness.
It's not just the adventure of running in the mountains but it's the people you share it with.
The trail community is such a wonderufl tight knit group that I can easily say I have yet met one bad bunch!
That's just it.
It's a life style.
I consider my training these last few months.
My hundred mile weeks or any high mileage week I completed was never because I HAD to train.
Rather because I wanted to- it just so happened to equal a three digit final number.
If you look at my training. I would rather go spend the day and get lost in the mountains for an odd number of miles than have a hard training day and not really enjoy myself.
Can I be in the mountains everyday?
Well I'm trying but it's not too reasonable with a 40+ hour work week tagging along.
But till then- I will continue.
Continue my mountain adventures.
Continue to run these incredible races.
Continue to love mother nature and all its resources.
No matter all the minor humps I have to get over... physically and mentally.
I know I'll always want to run.
And next year you bet I'll be back at the Gorge for another round of the 100k distance.
Psshhhhhh- can't get rid of me that easily.
Now... I'm off to attempt my first run since Saturday.
If you could tell my stomach to stop being so hungry- I'd appreciate it.
Last night I ordered two different Thai dishes and dropped my mango sticky rice on the floor- you're welcome Juniper.
Call me Sawna the garbage disposal, the never ending stomach.
Till next time,
Peace, love and happiness.
Beer anyone?
Ray of light peeks through the trees.
Teasing you with kisses of sunlight.
Trees don't look normal here; moss covered branches, deep green colored leaves wet from the clouds tears.
Each step taken is welcomed by the soft terrain and by the trees blossomed flowers and leaves.
There is no sound other than the cracking of water, the chirping of distant birds, the occasional songs of the wind passing through and then there is the heavy deep breath coming from my lungs.
I'm in my own world- there is no one around me.
I lean on a rock and look around me.
The idea of sitting here forever has crossed my mind.
Time has stopped.
Nothing matters.
There is a mist in the air cooling my cold sweat dripping down my chest as I watch my breath come in and holding back from tears going out.
I don't want to go further, but I don't want to go back.
My body feels strong- possibly the strongest it's ever felt but I am unable to move my feet.
I focus on my breathing, trying to not think of possible failure and consider hope.
My breath is uneasy, it breaths in the cold mist from a nearby waterfall but am unable to breath out.. a dry taste in my mouth from forcing the tears back.
Focus.
I take a step, then another and continue on forward. I'm too close.
I think of the 52 miles that have gotten me to this spot, this exact moment and I promise to myself I am never doing this again. Nothing of the sort. I'm giving up.
Despite this beauty, despite the happiness it once brought me.
Nothing can equate to the pain that I was feeling at that moment.
A memory jolts me back to reality...
It's 2am and I'm laying in bed at the Troutdale motel 6.
Sleep resides on my eyelids as I push the covers away and sit up.
30 minutes before the alarm would sings it's tune here I am awake.
I start my prep, one that I am definitely not accustomed to but a prep of what I know for any sort of race.
How does one prep to run 62 miles?
Feeling like a baby learning how to walk... it's all from experience.
This, Gorge 100k will be my second 100k and my overall 4th Ultra or 5th if you consider an attempt.
I'm fresh to races in general and am learning what works for me as a runner, and what doesn't.
I pack what I think I may possibly need in two different drop bags.
Normally just extra nutrition. Cliff bars, shot blocks, almond butter, peanuts- all things I've trained with successfully.
Once Carlos is up things are somewhat turned into reality.
C-Los!
When I think of Carlos, I think of my first ultra, Leona Divide 50mi, and I remember as one of my coaches he was always an inspiration.
Even when I had food poising three days before the race- I could here his voice saying that I can overcome this and still race!
Those were the days.
I call my dad from the car en route to the race and wake him up. He gives me some words of encouragement and I send him back to his slumber.
This doesn't feel real. How am I in Portland?
I look outside and I see dark trees pass and pass quickly- nothing but trees.
Walking around the starting line I feel like a fish out of water. I see all these fellow runners but don't actually feel like one of them .
They all have their stuff together, stretching, talking amongst each other and I feel the uneasiness of my stomach.
4:04 am and the race begins.
I feel as though I'm watching all the runners pass from above but not actually participating. Brights colors and flashes of lights pass through the park. Sounds of feet hitting the gravel.
I hear people chatting in the distance but unable to focus on anything other than where my foot will step next.
That uneasiness in my stomach on growing with each minute that passes.
After the first mile we start our first climb. Still on cement. I can't help but to look up, with my light shining I can see the mist and in the distance I see a line of trickling lights all moving in the same direction, tall ones short ones all in line moving upward.
Time ticks on... very slowly.
It's still dark. It's raining ever so lightly.
My stomach is still churning.
The idea of throwing up or going to the bathroom crossed my mind.
Maybe I'll feel better.
But in a line of other runners and I'm unable to move to the side without falling down the mountain.
There is no other direction to go but forward.
I find myself unable to concentrate. I'm 5 miles in and I'm already not enjoying myself.
I scold myself for having a few too many beers and eating poorly at McMenamins the day before.
Anything would've provoked this.
Nobody to blame but myself.
Entering the first aid station No name around mile 6 I decide to continue instead of releasing whatever uneasiness it was sitting in my stomach.
Just keep going was my thought.
Poor decision making on my part- surprise surprise.
The farther I go, the slower my steps are, the longer time feels to go on and the worse my stomach starts to feel.
I pass by the 2nd aid and instantly see Jc, Melissa's fiance.
He asks me how I am and I quickly respond with something along the lines of not good and stomach issues.
I realize those are the first words I've spoken since the race begun.
I quickly pass through that aid station as well, afraid that someone else will ask me a question and I will have to speak again.
About 13 miles down.
I continue onward.
I attempt to make conversation with a woman I was running next to the last mile. We talked for a bit and continued on our own path forward.
About two miles later I'm drenched in a cold sweat.
Beads dropping down my face as I watch them hit the floor- I'm moving that slow.
My hands are around my stomach and I'm hunched over.
I feel the sour saliva in my mouth. Super sexy.
The single track turns into an open area. Hope.
I've got to find a spot to go to the bathroom.
You can say what you want. We all do it. But at this point I may explode.
It won't be a pretty sight.
And it doesn't help that I'm wearing lime green shorts. (insert shocked emoji face here)
At this point I've gone to the bathroom three times. My stomach still not at ease and definitely will re consider my food choices before a race next time.
I catch up to the group I've lost and start to feel slightly better.
Coming into mile 22 Cascade Locks aid station I see JC and I feel instantly so relieved to see a friendly face.
I'm feeling reborn. My stomach back to normal my spirits high.
I initially wanted to race this course. Run my little heart out.
I've settle to just completing it. Have fun, Sawna!
Enjoy yourself.
Take in the surroundings.
The beauty.
After Cascade locks- my body felt warmed up. My feet no longer hurt.
I eased in to a good pace, a solid easy run and was able to continue forward passing several runners that had passed me earlier in the day.
I'm running and am feeling great.
I speed into Wyeth and quickly drink a cup of coke while a angel of a volunteers shocks me with my drop bag asking me if I needed anything from it.
I word vomited something along the lines that he was an angel face and that I was so thankful for his help. Angel!
I grab my cliff bar and quickly set back out on the course.
Feeling great- I didn't want to lose what I was feeling.
This is it. This feeling- it's why I continue this craziness of running. It's an amazing feeling.
I continue onward. Running every step, a slow run but still running.
At some point I hear steps behind me.
A mile in I decide to make conversation.
Josh- I'm talking about YOU! (May have stolen some of your pictures).
We were able to run consistently to the next aid station at mile 40.
At that point I didn't wait- Grabbed another cup of coke my cliff bar and off I went.
Somehow only taking under a minute at each aid station.
GET 'ER DONE is all I can think about.
I continue forward- in an absolute runners high I stop to take a few pictures of the incredible beauty surrounding me. Breath taking views of trees as tall as I can see, green moss carpet covered rocks.
The next aid station didn't seem as close as my feet started to feel the pain from the rocks returning.
These rocks are sharpened knifes waiting to strike at any moment.
With my right plantar still having issues- every step was shooting pain causing my right foot to lose feeling.
I catch up to this girl and what seems like her pacer and I run behind them for a minute or two. I notice this guy running in place as the poor girl is hiking up, very slowly, as if in low spirits as he is talking endlessly and very loudly. My goal- to pass them and get far far away before I punch the guy. As we are climbing I decide to just go for it as he is still running in place. I'm pretty sure I gave him the look of death. I feel pretty bad for that girl- definitely wouldn't want him to be my pacer.
I watched my watch with every mile passing. 49 couldn't come any faster- and when I reached 49 and I knew I still had a mile till the aid station, my spirits were quickly diminishing.
Running into the aid station I tried waving to the camera as I knew my dad had spent all morning watching Ultra TV's live race. I didn't see JC or Carlos at the aid station and I almost panicked. They were bringing me more nutrition as I didn't have a drop bag there.
I grab a few Pb&J's and hoped for the best. Running out of the aid station I see them in the distance getting out of their car.
My hands fly up with sudden relief. I'm in pain.
My feet hurt. My spirits are low.
But having the proper nutrition- I'm at least slightly comforted about that.
The next two miles is mostly flat road.
EXCITING.
Not.
After eating those PB&J's I feel almost instantly sick to my stomach and feel like it essentially went right through me.
I ended up running until I could barely run/walk looking for the nearest bush to release whatever this is that is making me ill.
It never happened. I continued forward. Onward into the hurt locker.
I leap frog with a girl and end up passing her afraid that I may be sick infront of her. This is where all things went sour.
Full circle back to where I began my story.
Focus.
I take a step, then another and continue on forward. I'm too close.
I think of the 52 miles that have gotten me to this spot, this exact moment and I promise to myself I am never doing this again. Nothing of the sort. I'm giving up.
Despite this beauty, despite the happiness it once brought me.
Nothing can equate to the pain that I was feeling at that moment.
A memory jolts me back to reality...
A memory I choose to forget, black out if you must say.
A race I attempted back in August- one that I gave up on.
One that broke my body down.
This, today's race, can never equal the amount of pain that I was in during the 24 hour span.
Today's excuses will never equal to what had happened that day.
I will not give up the way I did during that race.
I realize at that moment- my breath starts to normalize.
My step quickens and my walk turns into a run. Mind you, a slow run but running it was!
Realizing at that time, the pain I was complaining about had suddenly disappeared.
I decided in that moment that I have one DNF. Only one and as long as it doesn't get to how I was during that specific race- I have no reason to shut my body down again.
I will not give in.
I will not give up.
No matter what- I was going to finish. Coming this far I will not let a little mental block break me down.
If I walk or if I run- nothing will stop me.
It is up to me whether it will take me an hour and a half... or three hours to finish.
How long do I want to continue?
My answer- the faster the better. SO I RAN!
I continued running forward and continued running up.
Thinking how close I was to finishing I giggled to myself. I've ran so far without falling- this has to be a record for me.
My buddie Vince has always said that I'm only allowed to fall once.
He's experienced my clumsiness.
Remembering what my friend and ganbatte crossfit coach JP would tell me... my form.
When I get lazy and tired my form goes out the door.
I instantly correct my posture, my hands turn properly and are lowered and I lift my feet a bit higher.
At that point Josh finally caught up to me, boy is that guy strong!
Apparently we both struggled at the same time.
So we ran together. Hiked the last incline and continued onward.
With my endorphins kicking and my spirits finally back at its height.
We continued to chat and even stopped at a few creeks and drank the cold refreshing water.
I continued to run and when there was a decent. I sprinted.
There was about a mile of decent that was our first climb in the beginning of the race that was all gravel.
I sprinted. Ran by several different people and one one of the hairpins I completely slipped and SLID.
Like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peel.
But with the forward movement I picked myself up and continued.
Continued onto the finish line where Carlos arrived maybe seconds before.
Upon your finish your instantly greeted with a high five by the race director.
As well as greeted with several kegs of beer and fresh made pizza to order. This beats any race medal and finishers top I've ever received.
I've instantly forgotten the 13 hours of pain that I endured.
But remember the close knit community that share this intense pursit of happiness.
It's not just the adventure of running in the mountains but it's the people you share it with.
The trail community is such a wonderufl tight knit group that I can easily say I have yet met one bad bunch!
That's just it.
It's a life style.
My hundred mile weeks or any high mileage week I completed was never because I HAD to train.
Rather because I wanted to- it just so happened to equal a three digit final number.
If you look at my training. I would rather go spend the day and get lost in the mountains for an odd number of miles than have a hard training day and not really enjoy myself.
Can I be in the mountains everyday?
Well I'm trying but it's not too reasonable with a 40+ hour work week tagging along.
But till then- I will continue.
Continue my mountain adventures.
Continue to run these incredible races.
Continue to love mother nature and all its resources.
No matter all the minor humps I have to get over... physically and mentally.
I know I'll always want to run.
And next year you bet I'll be back at the Gorge for another round of the 100k distance.
Psshhhhhh- can't get rid of me that easily.
Now... I'm off to attempt my first run since Saturday.
If you could tell my stomach to stop being so hungry- I'd appreciate it.
Last night I ordered two different Thai dishes and dropped my mango sticky rice on the floor- you're welcome Juniper.
Call me Sawna the garbage disposal, the never ending stomach.
Till next time,
Peace, love and happiness.
Beer anyone?